Today I was many things. I was apprehensive, I was exhausted, I was near a complete nervous breakdown. And I was this close to giving up on myself. All for apparently no reason at all. Which, I am told, is an alarming condition. I was having a mid life crises, but then ever since I discovered that I have hit the middle years of my life, i am almost always having a mid life crises. I do and I still am alive which is a feat in itself, trust me. However, this last fact might be the most unexpected of all the things I just stated here. But then, my life is a curious amalgamation of all things possible but quite improbable. And as far as I can remember I haven’t complained. Not about this at least, since this condition has made me come across many an unanticipated adventure in my life. Which I am very grateful for.
I was confused as well. Today that is. As i often am. But I am talking particularly about today. I even had a difficult time composing this post. Queer, isn’t it? Well if you’re anything like me, your whole life is meaningless and absurdly queer.
I missed my grandparents today too. I miss them quite a lot but today I missed them a little more. I missed having my grandmother around all the time. I have never written anything about her. And that’s sad, like many other sad things in my life. I was sad too today.
I am a creature of nostalgia but today nostalgia became me. I often wonder what it is about your past that keeps you so firmly attached to it. And my nostalgia is firmly rooted in my teenage years. Maybe everyone else’s is too? Perhaps it has got something to do with your being young and full of dreams? The fact that in the teenage and the early twenties you believe the world’s your oyster? Maybe.
The fact that I can vividly remember how I was when I was nineteen or twenty three, for that matter, disturbs me.
The dreams, the energy, the passion, the vitality.
Though the fact that I do not feel like that anymore disturbs me as well.
In many ways, much more.
I still am the same person.
Why then, why do we have to change when we grow up?
But more importantly, why do we have to grow up?
You know what? I think I need a vacation. And a long one at that.
Wajiha Hyder 